Thursday 20 November 2014

Feel It by The Tamperer featuring Maya

The artist:
The Tamperer featuring Maya


These Italian purveyors of hackneyed Europop briefly stumbled into our lives in the late 90s, like a merry tramp accidentally wandering into a private party at the Hilton. After treating us to a hearty rendition of Feel It, they were swiftly shown the door and were never heard of again, presumed lying in a ditch somewhere outside of Florence. 


The album: 
Fabulous (1998) 

The opening track confidently declares that If You Buy This Record (Your Life Will Be Better). Information on how many people heeded this advice is difficult to come by, and such is the lack of online presence, one might surmise that many in the late 90s missed this great opportunity to improve their fortunes. 

It’s shit, by the way. And not in a ‘so shit it’s good’ way either. Track 5, I Love Being A Girl (I like every flavour / Boys in every style / I like it when they feed me / I like it when they smile) could be a collaboration between the Crazy Frog and the corpse of Jade Goody, such is the level of talent, subtlety and wit on display.

In fact, it is such a standard bearer for pathetically inane lyricism that I felt the need to do what no man on the internet has done thus far, and transcribe the lyrics:
http://theworstsongseverwrittenbyman.blogspot.co.uk/2014/11/i-love-being-girl-by-tamperer-featuring.html 


The vibe:

The bells are a direct edict from the Lord: thou shalt drop all distractions and make thy way to the church dance floor for renditions of The Worm, The Robot, The Macarena and any other clichéd school disco routine. 

Lyrics:
You got it on the side
A little one night thing
I thought it over and this time I will forgive you
Well I'm not letting go
But don't forget I know
You made your bed and she was in it, no no no

What's she gonna look like with a chimney on her?

What's she gonna look like with a chimney on her?
What's she gonna look like with a chimney on her?
What's she gonna look like with a chimney on her?

Well I'm not blaming you

But she's still hanging around
And she's so crazy, tell ya now I just don't trust her
She thinks she's right on time
But I think she crossed the line
And I'm ready for the ride, I'm ready if it's fighting time

What she's gonna look like with a chimney on her?

What's she gonna look like with a chimney on her?
What's she gonna look like with a chimney on her?

Annotation:

The song is clearly a message from Maya to her other half concerning a third party of the female gender, so first thing’s first, who is ‘she’? A ‘little one night thing’ that one might put ‘on the side’?

Sounds like Maya and her other half have run out of booze and so have called in a Knighthawk delivery, an expensive course of action but when you’re desperate, you’re desperate. Maya is quick to forgive the other half for having drunk the house dry, and in Verse 2 is rightfully irritated by the fact the delivery is late and yet the driver, unusually a woman in this instance and presumably contacted by phone, is insistent that she is not. However the suggestion that ‘it’s fighting time’ seems a bit excessive – there may have been traffic or something. 


Why the delivery lady spent time previously in their bed is unclear. What I do know is that making a bed while there’s someone still in it is just downright stupid. You’re liable to wake them up and ultimately they’re just going to get out and mess up your work all over again – a little patience wouldn’t go amiss.

The chorus is devoted to asking how the delivery woman might appear in the unlikely event of a chimney being balanced upon her person.  

Conclusion:
Being a deliverer of alcohol late at night seems dangerous territory for a lone woman, so kudos to the unnamed driver for her unperturbed bravery, even if her timekeeping leaves something to be desired. 

Maya meanwhile is belligerent and curious, willing to contemplate violence as a response to poor customer service, inquisitive as to the visual consequences of human beings wearing household structures.

The boyfriend sounds like a bit of a domestic moron who doesn’t wait for individuals to get out of bed before making them. 

The main thrust of this song is just an inquiry, and if someone had just bothered to crack out MS Paint all those years ago, then we could have saved ourselves the bother of this whole palaver. 

She would look like this:


*Drawn on Windows 7 version of Paint which would not have been available in 1998. One might expect the results to be similar.  

Sunday 9 November 2014

Clint Eastwood by Gorillaz

The artist:

 
In theory the wankiest concept known to man: famed musician known for being cheeky poster boy of Britpop devotes following decade to pretending to be a cartoon. In practice, Gorillaz are one of the most innovative listenable genre-spanning artists of the 21st century, with 2010’s Plastic Beach collaboration-fest bordering on the verge of masterpiece. Real life members are confirmed as being Cockney genius Damon Albarn and his comic book mate Jamie Hewlett; cartoon members vary between abducted Japanese child who will one day give evidence at an inquiry and disgusting pervert thing that will one day be subject to an inquiry.


Also featuring on this record are the hip-hop stylings of Del the Funky Homosapien, of rap supergroup Deltron 3030. Later on this album, Del’s funky credentials are confirmed in Rock the House, while his Homo sapiens credentials are confirmed by various photographs taken of him in which he appears distinctly humanoid.  

Clint Eastwood, after whom the song is named, is a popular actor who once conversed with an empty chair because he thought the President was sat on it. 

The album: 
Gorillaz (2000)

At the turn of the century, aged 12, I reached the conclusion that music was good, and Gorillaz’s self-titled debut was the first album I invested in. On reflection, a bizarre concept album from a ‘virtual band’ was a fairly hipster choice for first ever piece of music bought, but at the time being a hipster wasn’t a thing so I didn’t receive much stick for it.
 

The album is at least 80% bipolar, lurching from the party-on-a-pirate-ship positivity of Rock the House, all the way down to New Genious (Brother), which is a musical manifestation of a swamp crocodile slowly feasting on the gammy carcass of a fallen wildebeest. Somewhere in between you’ve got Slow Country, a Caribbean lonely hearts page, and the Spanish interpretation of purgatory as expressed in Latin Simone

The vibe:


To listen to Clint Eastwood is to ride an apocalyptic merry-go-round based in Chernobyl, upon which all of the horses are mutated in some disgusting way – fun, if disconcerting.  

Lyrics and annotation:
[Chorus: 2D]

I ain't happy, I'm feeling glad
I got sunshine in a bag
I'm useless but not for long
The future is coming on
I ain't happy, I'm feeling glad
I got sunshine in a bag
I'm useless but not for long
The future is coming on
It's coming on
It's coming on
It's coming on


Lead singer 2D uses the chorus to note the subtle intricacies of language: while being ‘happy’ and feeling ‘glad’ may be synonymous, they are not automatically interchangeable, with the concept of happiness tending to symbolise a contented overall frame of being, and gladness referring to a more temporary sensation of satisfied pleasure.
 

The source of this short term pleasure is a recent purchase of some kind – he has popped into HMV or perhaps iTunes and acquired one of the numerous DVDs, books or albums entitled Sunshine. A short bit of Wiki-investigation shows us that it sadly couldn’t be S Club 7’s third album, as that came a year later, but could be a copy of the American monthly digest of the same name, which allegedly was filled with “uplifting articles and anecdotes”. This explains a lot – an uplifting anecdote would instil a burst of gladness without having the requisite importance to one’s being to fulfil a deeper happiness void.
 

2D’s already had a browse as he is clearly feeling very uplifted - he spends the rest of the chorus informing us that he’s generally feeling positive about things to come.
 

[Verse 1: Del the Funky Homosapien]
Finally, someone let me out of my cage
Now, time for me is nothing cause I'm countin' no age
Nah, I couldn't be there, now you shouldn't be scared
I'm good at repairs, and I'm under each snare
Intangible, bet you didn't think so I command you to
Panoramic view, look, I'll make it all manageable
Pick and choose, sit and lose, all you different crews
Chicks and dudes, who you think is really kickin' tunes
Picture you getting down in a picture tube
Like you lit the fuse, you think it's fictional
Mystical? Maybe, spiritual
Hero who appears in you to clear your view when you're too crazy
Lifeless to know the definition for what life is
Priceless to you because I put you on the hype shit
You like it? Gun smokin', righteous with one toke
Psychic among those, possess you with one go


Enter Del, and he immediately expresses relief at being freed from some form of inhumane imprisonment, not befitting of a self-declared Homo sapien such as he. Nonetheless, judging from the liveliness of his delivery upon exit, it hardly seems like he has served a Mandela-esque stint – indeed, he boasts that he didn’t even count how long he was cooped up for, implying that he doesn’t own nor want a watch as time for him is ‘nothing’.
 

The main theme of verse one is Del’s helpfulness with someone struggling with the art of amateur photography. He alludes to an ability to fix hardware problems early on, although swiftly betraying that he is something of an impatient and bossy teacher – ‘bet you didn’t think so I command you to.’ However the real subject of his technical proficiency becomes most apparent from line #6, in which he assures us that he can make the wide angled panoramic function on one’s mobile phone or digital camera a ‘manageable’ affair.
Taking shots like this needn't be
intimidating with the right tuition

When one reads backwards from this point, suddenly his previously confusing lines make sense: ‘Nah, I couldn’t be there’, a reference to an attempted panoramic by a clumsy amateur photographer, resulting in Del appearing in a comically inaccurate position; ‘Now you shouldn’t be scared’, assuring the same individual that, although no doubt challenging, we mustn’t ever be afraid of expanding our horizons (no pun intended) beyond standard-angle shots.
 

The reference to his ability to repair the situation is self-explanatory, while the ‘snare’ he discusses is not the noun but the verb: to capture or catch (i.e. in a photo). He also assures us that he is familiar with the photo editing software – the ‘picture tube’ of course being a PaintShop Pro term for graphic images with no background.  
 

The rest of the verse is slightly self-aggrandising regarding his teaching ability, at one stage claiming this advice is ‘priceless to you’ and declaring himself a ‘spiritual hero who appears in you to clear your view when you’re too crazy’. Although rhythmically pleasing, this is probably a little arrogant to put on a business card.
 

[Chorus]
 

2D remains glad and perky about his future. Perhaps he is one of those receiving photography tuition.
 

[Verse 2: Del the Funky Homosapien]
The essence, the basics, without it you make it
Allow me to make this, childlike in nature
Rhythm, you have it or you don't, that's a fallacy
I'm in them, every sprouting tree, every child o' peace
Every cloud and sea, you see with your eyes
I see destruction and demise, corruption in disguise (that's right)
From this fucking enterprise, now I'm sucked into your lies
Through Russel, not his muscles, but the percussion he provides
With me as a guide, y'all can see me now cause you don't see with your eye
You perceive with your mind
That's the inner, so I'mma stick around with Russ and be a mentor
Bust a few rhymes so motherfuckers remember
Where the thought is, I brought all this
So you can survive when law is lawless
Feelings, sensations that you thought was dead
No squealing, and remember: that it's all in your head

 

One of Del's self-placement Photoshops
A continuation of the lesson, Del assures us that the art of good photography is to walk before you can run – ‘the essence, the basics.’ And, he is going to explain everything in non-jargonistic ‘childlike’ language, which hopefully won’t be too patronising. One can only assume that around lines 4 and 5 Del is showing us some Powerpoint slides in which he has used his Photoshop skills to place himself among various trees, children, clouds and oceans – a somewhat egotistical way to highlight his abilities, but as we learned from Verse 1 this is hardly out of character.

At this stage the whole thing gets a bit dark and he rounds upon the college that employs him – ‘this fucking enterprise’ – for apparently representing concealed corruption and dishonesty. One might imagine he considers them responsible for his recent forced captivity. While this outburst in front of his students is a little unprofessional, he nonetheless assures them that he isn’t planning on throwing in the towel: ‘I’mma stick around with Russ and be a mentor.’ Russel Hobbs is the drummer of Gorillaz, seemingly drafted in as some kind of teaching assistant.
 

He closes off by informing the class that his motivation for teaching comes from a belief that photography will be valuable within a society that lacks rule of law, perhaps for monitoring police brutality or catching a politician cheating on his wife. He closes with a reminder - ‘it’s all in your head’ – that good photography lies more in mental, rather than technical, ability.
 

[Chorus]
 

It's coming on
It's coming on
It's coming on
It's coming on
My future is coming on
It's coming on
It's coming on
It's coming on
It's coming on
My future is coming on
It's coming on
It's coming on
It's coming on
It's coming on
My future is coming on
It's coming on
It's coming on
My future is coming on
It's coming on
It's coming on
My future is coming on
It's coming on
It's coming on
My future


2D really wishes to emphasise that he is positive about his future. The implication is that he not only attended Del the Funky Homosapien’s amateur photography course, but he also found it a worthwhile experience that taught him valuable technical skills, boosted his self-esteem and looks good on his CV.
 

Conclusion: 
Del is something of a maverick in the classroom, railing against his employers and boasting of his abilities in often coarse and colourful terms. If his cohort was that of a primary or secondary school class, then this would simply be unacceptable. As it is, you would only expect photography courses to be offered at higher or adult education institutions, and so while his methods may remain unconventional, we needn’t entertain moral panic over his use of obscenities. 
 

Sometimes when you teach you have to work
outside conventional boundaries
More to the point he is clearly an effective and likeable tutor. While some of his technical references highlight his impressive in-depth expertise, he nonetheless maintains an accessible and easy to understand approach to teaching: beginning at the basics, reassuring his class when they get overwhelmed and providing many useful pointers along the way.

Perhaps most tellingly of all, if 2D’s delighted feedback is anything to go by, he can expect a glowing report when the Student Satisfaction Surveys come in. Considering his unconventional style of tuition, his undoubted popularity among his students, his questioning of authority and his considerable issues with his employers, one detects more than a whiff of Dead Poets Society about Del the Funky Homosapien’s teaching career. Should that be the case, come the day of reckoning, the reinvigorated 2D can be expected to be the first to stand on his desk and salute ‘O Captain, My Captain’.